On the desire for a mediocre life

Annandale, Virginia | June 2021

As I sit in this liminal space—transitioning from “homeschool mom” to “mom of young adults” and the empty nest it brings—I’ve been giving thought to how much more freedom I now have over how my days unfold and how I want to use it.

As I’ve been pondering this, I was reminded of an essay I read a few years back: What if All I Want is a Mediocre Life?. At the time, it spoke to me and I have thought of it often. What I notice now on my re-read is that the appeal for me is less about the specifics of what that mediocre life might look like and more about the lack of striving it feels like living a mediocre life might bring.

Looking deeper into the appeal of “less striving” has me wondering as to the motivation behind that desire. Am I using it to give myself permission to not feel as if I have to put too much “effort” into my life as a way of numbing or checking out or is it speaking to a true inner desire for more ease in my life?

I like to think it is the latter and I suppose the difference between the two has to do with intentionality—is this a conscious or an unconscious decision to “opt out”? And here is the larger question—am I choosing to reject a life based on other people’s “shoulds” because I know what I want to replace those external shoulds with?

While I have chosen the mediocre (less striving) path in many ways, I am beginning to realize that I’ve done so unconsciously, if not passive-aggressively. I was not choosing in the affirmative but rather avoiding in the negative.

What is quite fascinating to me is that, even though I was not fully aware of what my heart wanted, I unconsciously seem to have lived my way into a version of it. But now I’m wondering if maybe it is this lack of intention which creates the sense of struggle I sometimes feel regarding how my days unfold, despite having much more control over my time.

If I let myself look more honestly, I can sense an underlying fear—if I identify what I want, then what? It feels easier to avoid admitting what I care about and instead reassuring myself that “it will all work out.” While there is truth to the idea that it will all work out, I can see where this can, for me, fall into being an avoidance technique.

It’s an interesting possibility to consider that instead of making life more difficult, living a life that is more intentional could make it easier. Novel concept, no? I also find it fascinating that becoming clear about what we truly want is a growth place for an Enneagram Type 9.

And yet, there is resistance. There are old conditioned patterns coming into play—conditioned patterns, originally developed to protect me, yet no longer serving me. If it were just a matter of “knowing” the change I want to make, I’d be set. But that’s not the way that it works. I have to live my way into this new way of being with the world. And I have to do it in a way that honors my old way of being because it did its best with what it had.

Luckily, I have time. Even if it does not always feel that way.